Two weeks and the walk back to life

11 03 2008

I don’t know, how to start this. I don’t know do I even need to do this. Zilch. Nada. Sifar… I really don’t know.

Many of my friends, almost everybody were offended. I didn’t take up their calls, didn’t reply their mails. When they came in knocking, well they didn’t find anybody inside. Its not just with my friends, it was with my family too. Poor fellas. I didn’t take up the newspaper, no mails, no news, no sms, no nothing…. Nothing which I consume[non food of course]. No corporate mails too. I don’t know from where did the idea germinate. I really don’t know. I was lying on my bed, half-sleepy half-contemplating [ okay don’t ask me, how do I do this, I intend to scare my gfs away with this], then that idea came to me. It was more of a realisation.

“What am  I doing? God! what the hell am I doing”
[trying to sleep? one tiny voice said almost as if asking me]
[Shut up!]

“This sucks! This sucks man!Something is wrong!  I am…. I am..err… yeah… I am not happy, something is wrong! I got to fix this”
[yeah right!]
“Yeah.. I need to fix this”
[but whats wrong?]
[I dont know!, gotto figure it out]

And I don’t know how did the solution come to me, but it was weird. I looked at my cell to check out the time[the revelation hour], and I got pissed off.
No time. No contacts. No news. Nothing…. From now onwards, I don’t know till when maybe days/weeks/months, till I feel like coming back.I switched off my mobile.

The next day I got up[ imagine, if we didn’t have bio clocks] and set onwards to my office. The same slumping thoughts. F*** I hate them. As if all my life force was taken out from me. I thought, okay lets give it some time. In office, once I reached, I pulled out the jack to the server. Pfoof* . Kiss the broadband connectivity goodbye, baby… But wait!! I had to update my files to the common server. What about that… okay, I connected it back, but resolved, No Outlook, no Thunderbird, no Rediff, no Mozilla either. 😦 No news, no sneek peak at newspapers too, no blogs[yeah that included the WordPress one too.] and I didnt carry my mobile at all.

Honestly for the first half an hour it felt awful. But you know what? I survived. In fact I started enjoying the solitude. Honestly [no doubt cave men were very satisfied fellas]

It went on. Till today. And honestly I didn’t find an end to the gnawing corrosive thoughts inside me. I was getting stagnant, almost devoid of any life force[ a la Calvin].

I got up pretty early today in the morning. Was good. Felt good[at last!] I dressed up and reached the road that leads to the office. Its where the auto wala leaves me, and I make the last two minutes of my walk.

Two minutes thats it! Just two minutes. Its such a small time. But still thoughts. The same thoughts came to me. I was getting stagnated. I had to solve it. Now and I mean right now!

I slowed down. The sea straight ahead was visible. I looked back.
“Chuck it! I am not going to office today”

I turned back, and was standing on the ECR road[read the wiki slug]which connects Chennai to Pondicherry along the Bay of Bengal coast.

I had the option. One side lead me to the city, the other out of it.

Authors note: Trust me, my family is still spooked out when I told them what I did today.

[Continued in the next part]


Why do I write?

18 09 2007

Many times,I asked myself, heck Soham why do you write? People don’t read them, they just visit the About Me page, find it is obtusely boring and excruciatingly philosophical and return back to the place where they came from. I again asked, -Even when you were young, you used to write verses, which tried to rhyme hard, on pages of hidden diaries and forget their existence forever.

Those diaries rose only to make me laugh. They rose from god-knows-where. Some years later it would rise from behind the rack of old memories and fading tastes to remind me one question. Heck why do I write? Even I dont read them. Years later, I used to find them absolutely hilarious. And then again secretly hiding it away from my consciousness. I thought, and I thought.For a long time I thought this and then I thought some more. And finally asked Ritika what she thought about this.

Soham: “Yaar, Ritika why do I write such nonsense?”

Ritika: “Hain???”

Soham: “I mean, why do I write these things on my blog?”

Ritika: “They are not useless Soham, they are reflections of your thoughts”

Soham: “Reflections of my thoughts???Great words b’ful, but I dont think in verses,neither my verses rhyme”

Ritika: “Yes, in that way they are more valuable than that, they are thoughts mingled with wisdom, baby they are not useless”

Soham: “You make me look philosophical old man,Riks”

Ritika: 🙂

Soham: “But why do I write”

Ritika: “For your joy”

Soham: “Joy??”

Ritika went away.

I thought what she said, I did think what she said was right. I don’t know how much value, literary or otherwise my thoughts have, but I think she is right. I enjoy ,when they reflect what I really wanted to say, and I read them when they invite me to read them. So the invitation part may be my word play(which is non-existent), graphic depiction(towards which strangely girls have shown fantastic leanings) or may be plain simple words which sometime is hard hitting. When this combo comes up, I derive joy plain and simple. I feel like its a job well done. I like the feeling of being on a high. Yes thats it. When I was small, I wanted to write poems and the only poems which I read, had fantastic rhythm and alliterations to it(Jack and Jill, Dinkar’s poems, etc). So in my bid to “write” real poetry I didnt ask myself what I thought and wrote what I wanted to see. Things like

This is life,life is so nice
but as sharp as knife
its also sweet as hive
this is life

came out of my pencil into my diaries. I guess I was barely seven. I tried to imitate somebody and that person was not me. So I never felt that first joy of a thing of beauty. And I never realized. As time flew, I grew and so did my thoughts with me. I think thats why I write. Because they helped me to grow.



Fading Realities

18 09 2007

Why do realities fade so fast?
Why does last night’s pain is now a numbed loss?
And why that loss, will be oblivion tomorrow?
Ah! we cant remember, our minds are too narrow.

Why does that love seem so distant?
Why does this heart seem so relieved,
It did lose something didn’t it dear?
Ah! we forget the gone-bys and cling to things near.

How shallow we are, I wonder,
yesterday’s sorrows are todays ironies
todays foes will be tomorrow’s cronies,
wonder if today’s sins will be tomorrow’s glories,
ah! we forgot dear, we forget,
but thats a different story.